Maybe We Don't Have Conversations Because We Just Don't Care
Our world is at peak polarization, and not only can’t we agree on policies, facts, and science, but we literally have people who believe in the wildest conspiracy theories. Recently, I finished Kelly Weill’s amazing new book Off The Edge, and I was blown away at the flat-earthers she writes about. Due to the fact that we’re terrible at having conversations and changing minds, I truly think two of the most important books are I Never Thought of it That Way by Monica Guzman and the upcoming book How Minds Change by David McRaney. I think people like Guzman and McRaney are doing such a great service to the world, and I hope everyone reads their books.
But recently, I’ve been thinking that maybe we just don’t care enough to have conversations.
Maybe it’s because I just finished re-reading Against Empathy by Paul Bloom, or maybe it’s the Twitter debate that I muted yesterday, but there’s just so much that I acknowledge that don’t care about. It seems cynical to say that I don’t care about many things, but the primary reason is to maintain my sobriety and my sanity. I even dove into this topic a bit more in a recent piece I wrote called “Why Nihilism is the Best Antidepressant”.
So, in order to pain the picture a little better, let me tell you what sparked this line of thinking.
Yesterday, I wrote this piece about the worst arguments against crypto. I guess it’s a controversial topic because a lot of people DMed, texted, or emailed me privately saying they agreed. But publicly, I had a bunch of people pissed off.
One guy, in particular, replied saying my argument was flawed by pointing out that my facts were incorrect. I did as Monica Guzman suggested and got curious. I wanted to know if I was in fact wrong because I’m always willing to change my opinion if proven incorrect. So, I asked him if he could point me in the direction of his source, and he sent me this Yahoo Finance article:
I read the title, and immediately, I think, “Wait. It sounds like this article is agreeing with me.” But, you can’t just read headlines, so I read the article…and I was right.
I replied and told this Twitter stranger that I believe he may have misread the piece and showed him screenshots from the piece:
I stayed curious as best as possible and watched his cognitive dissonance set in as he began to commit more logical fallacies. Somehow, we went from discussing the environmental impact of mining crypto to him saying that crypto investing is a scam.
So what did I do? I muted the conversation, picked up my son, bought a lego, and we spent the night watching some shows and building legos. That guy didn’t enter my mind for the rest of the night.
This morning, as I finished Against Empathy and started to reflect on some of the ideas, the situation popped back into my mind, and I decided to write this.
Although I think Monica, David, and so many others are doing the Lord’s work trying to bring us together and get us to have conversations, I think we’re missing part of the equation.
Is it possible that sometimes, we don’t have conversations because we just don’t care? Is it just easier to keep it moving and get on with our lives?
Since almost dying in 2012 from my drug addiction, I think a lot about opportunity costs. I’m living on borrowed time. So, every minute I spend on something trivial is a minute I’m taking away from something potentially meaningful.
I’m using the crypto environmentalist as an example, but this is something I do a lot. I look at the grand scheme of things and ask, “Does it really matter if I shift this random person’s opinion on this issue?” Maybe. But how much time am I willing to dedicate to these conversations?
We all have to prioritize our lives, and at the top of the list are the following:
My mental health
My sobriety
My son
My girlfriend
My friends and family
Trying to make this world a little better in whatever small way I can
It’s not that I don’t care. I just care way more about certain things. I’m not going to take away from things at the top of the list for some random person who may or may not change their mind.
And trust me, there are a million social issues I care about. I’ve spoken at mental health events to share my story and advocate for better mental health and addiction treatment options. I volunteer when I can. I write about a ton of social issues and regularly have guests on my podcast to discuss these issues as well.
Hell, I even had the amazing Monica Guzman on the podcast to discuss her book, and David McRaney is coming on a bit closer to when his book launches.
I guess what I’m realizing as I’m writing this is that we’re all built different, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up if we’re not willing to have all of these one-on-one conversations to change minds.
When I take a look at what I do, it seems like my strategy is to just cast a wide net, and that’s good enough for me. If someone stumbles across some of my writing, a podcast episode, or me calling out social issues on Twitter, maybe it’ll change their mind or at least get them thinking a bit more. That’s good enough for me.
Personally, I just think my personal experience of getting sober and working in addiction treatment for years has taught me a lot about how hard it is to change minds. People typically need a rock bottom to really change their mind. Other than that, it’s just a series of seeds being planted and life experiences that slowly shift opinions.
But what I’ve learned is key above all else is that a person usually needs some therapy and/or a lot of deep reflection to break down their ego and be willing to change their mind.
So, if you walk away from conversations and don’t like debating with people who refuse to change their minds or even back down when proven wrong, you have my blessing. Those who are willing to stay, engage, and have follow-up conversations are saints, but some of us have to simply walk away and hit that glorious mute button.
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